Self Magazine, March 2004
Jump Start Your Sex Life
You’re busy. You’re tired. Maybe even a little (ouch) bored. To the rescue: 25 steamy but smart ways to have a little more fun in bed, starting this weekend.
As anyone in a long-term relationship knows, finding time to even think about sex can be an uphill struggle. "You’ve got work, kids—let’s assume you’re in a good relationship; you’re still probably coping with major distractions," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D, professor of sociology at the University of Washington at Seattle. Add issues such as lackluster desire, an imperfect body image and being stuck in a sexual rut, and it’s no wonder lovemaking is relegated to the back burner. "My husband and I have a 3-year-old," says Karen Crane (not her real name), a 40-year-old art director in New York City, who admits that their hectic life often gets in the way of sex. "I work in an office; he works at home. He gets up early; I stay up late. And when were alone together, we either go to a movie or relax on the couch reading."
Trouble is, if you stop having sex, you and your partner may end up out of sync emotionally. "That makes you feel even less like doing it," says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. But if the last time you rocked each other’s world was in a year that doesn’t start with a two, don’t despair. Whether you’re too tense or too disinterested to connect, SELF has a plan to bring back the passion, or at least give you something to smile about the next day. Choose from these sexier sex steps, from minor moves to more adventurous endeavors. As Crane and her husband found, good sex is less about answering the door encased in plastic wrap than it is about what’s going on in your head. "The point isn’t trying 20 new positions, but rather, figuring out what works for both of you," says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex (M. Evans).
Sexier Step 1: Put Sex on Your To-Do List
Block out at least an hour per week for sex, then jot down your appointment and take it seriously. "Scheduling lovemaking sounds unromantic, but once you remember how much fun it can be, you’ll start to do it more spontaneously," says Susan Quilliam, a psychologist in Cambridge, England. Crane decided to be a bit more ambitious: "We made three dates for one week, all at times our daughter is usually sleeping." Just knowing sex was on the schedule, she says, made a difference. "The anticipation was killing me!"
Sexier Sex Step 2: Create Privacy
Once you’ve stolen the time, you need to escape from the kids, the pets and the clutter. If that means booking a hotel room on a Saturday afternoon, do it. Hire a baby-sitter to take the children out while you two stay home, or have a friend take them to her house, then return the favor another time. Meet your partner for "lunch" during the week. If you can’t get away, make the most of your existing alone time whenever you can. "Vow that once you put the kids to bed, you’ll go to bed, too," Quilliam says.
Sexier Sex Step 3: Get Personal
Chances are, you’re not the same person you were 10 years ago, or even 5. And neither is your partner. "If you’re been together for a while, it’s a good bet your sexual preferences, rhythms and attitudes have changed," Quilliam says. Still, you may be stuck in the same old sexual pattern s. That’s why it’s important to think about and discuss those shifts, then adjust your routine accordingly. "I’ve known my husband since we were 18, so our relationship is not exactly about new love. It’s more like, ‘Hey, I remember you,’" Crane says. "It’s not that we don’t have sex—we do—it’s just that it’s often quick. We’ve gotten really efficient over the years.
Quilliam’s advice: forget about the sex act and talk to each other. Explore each other’s bodies. "Sit on the sofa with your legs intertwined and watch a steamy movie," she suggests. "Speak up when either of you finds a scene especially arousing. When it comes to the things that excite us sexually, there are always discoveries to be made."
Sexier Sex Step 4: Slow Down
After making a date for lovemaking, milk it for all it’s worth. Build anticipation in advance with provocative text messaging, phone calls or e-mail. "Tell your partner what you’re planning to do to him and what you crave," Quilliam says. Crane and her hubby exchanged suggestive e-mail at work all day. "I found that pretty exciting," she says.
Be as conscious and deliberate when you’re in bed together. Quilliam recommends trying an exercise known as a sensation audit, which slows things down for maximum pleasure: Lie still while your partner touches you for half an hour, then switch places and do the same to him. During that 60 minutes, no sex is allowed. By staying in the moment rather than rushing toward intercourse, you’ll take the focus off the act and decrease any possible performance anxiety. You’ll also learn what turns your partner on as you work yourself up for the main event. The longer you take, the greater the payoff.
Sexier Sex Step 5: Set the Right Mood
Your bedroom isn’t merely a place to TV and snoozing and dirty laundry. At least it shouldn’t be. Turn it into a sexworthy retreat by starting with the basics: Hide that laundry in the closet, or better yet, send it out and let someone else deal with it. "I dug in and cleaned our bedroom, which was really a pit," Crane says. "It’s the one room we’ve never cared about because nobody but us sees it." Then go shopping. Splurge on ultrasoft sheets, candles, even a new paint job if you’re feeling ambitious. On our experts’ advice, Crane bought new bed linens and lingerie and picked up a jar of chocolate body paint, though, she admits, she was a bit skeptical about the latter.
Dress yourself up, too. While Crane was busy going through her bureau and tossing stretched –out underwear and ratty old bras, she discovered a sexy bustier she’d bought a decade ago. "I’d always wanted to wear it but had never gotten the chance," she says. Crane tried it on and it still fit. "Sexy lingerie or clothing is a cliché, sure, but it bridges the gap between dressed and undressed," Quilliam says. "It’s great if you feel completely comfortable naked, but not everyone does. Lingerie is like cheating a little. That can help you feel more uninhibited." Keesling agrees: "Lingerie adds mystery and draws attention to what’s covered up." Quilliam adds: "And by the time it comes off, it’s likely your partner has been telling you how good you look. So you’ll feel more confident and be more excited."
Sexier Sex Step 6: Be Creative, Comfortably
For some women, reading erotica or donning fishnets can help crank up the temperature in the bedroom. But don’t pressure yourself to push your sexual envelope. A rule of thumb: If something feels wrong to you, it probably is. Often, your best bets are the little, low-tech things, like making love in the living room instead of the bedroom, getting a pedicure in fire-engine red or having sex with the lights turned down low rather than turned off. The key is trusting your instincts and your partner.
Crane and her husband found that to be the case. "On our first date night, we put our daughter to bed, and though the new sheets were still in the shopping bag and the bustier in a drawer, I jumped on my husband anyway," Crane says. "I was in my sweats, but the sex was hot! We took our time and it was extremely exciting, maybe because I was thinking about it all week."
The next morning, Crane put her bustier on first thing, as a reminder of their second date that night. "There I was, folding laundry in my lingerie, thinking, ‘Hurry up!’ I was humming from the waist down," she says. "That night, when our daughter went to sleep, we did it in a different room than usual, a real turn-on." Then her husband got sick, and the couple had to postpone date number three. Finally, a few nights later, they tried the chocolate body paint. "It felt kind of cold and strange," Crane admits. "And the sexy panties I’d bought turned out to be a size too small. But focusing on sex and slowing down made us feel totally uninhibited. Sex was more intense than it had been in a long time." One thing Crane knows for certain: "I’ll definitely wear that bustier again!"
Lust List
Lingerie: Trading flannel PJs for something silky can spice up sex, as long as you follow a few guidelines: First, buy your own. "Most guys gravitate toward the cheesy," says author Barbara Keesling, Ph.D. "Wear what you like and feel good in." A cashmere robe or boy shorts and a cami can be a suggestive as a garter. Your partner might find that swapping his usual Skivvies for silk boxers is a turn-on as well.
Food: Feed each other finger foods—strawberries and, of course, chocolate; besides being delicious, they’re portable, they feel decadent and they’re easy to savor slowly. Then have each other for dessert.
Toys: One or two sex toys such as a vibrator or fuzzy pink handcuffs can ramp up the fun factor. "
But be sure you agree on what feels comfortable," says psychologist Susan Quilliam. Browse an online store like Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com). "You can giggle about what you see, then you can order."
Porn: It’s true that hardcore porn can be offensive. But when you select it carefully, some of these flicks can also be exciting. Insist that you have a say in the choosing, however. "Men tend to go for flicks that involve big penises and lots of panting. Women need more of a story line," Quilliam says. Try videos by Candida Royalle, which are designed to appeal to women. Remember to watch in small doses, too. "The novelty can wear off quickly," says Keesling, who suggests spending a few days viewing, then laying off for several months so the activity will seem fresh again.
The phone: Nothing builds suspense like a session of phone sex. The phone also comes in handy when calling in sick so you can play hooky and stay in bed all day.
